Settled In

This morning I walked into work behind a woman who has probably settled into her life.   She was wearing a coat that was once stylish but is now dated and worn.  Her handbag was the same and she carried a lunch bag that was stained and overflowing with a can of soup and sleeve of crackers.  There was no spring in her step.  She didn’t walk as if heading into a new day’s adventure but rather walked with resignation down a hallway she has walked before and will walk again and again and again.    Although she didn’t necessarily seem defeated, she didn’t seem to be playing either.  I don’t know this woman but I imagine she will leave the same way she came in.  She will go home to a husband, have her dinner, perhaps do some house work or pay some bills, watch TV.  Maybe she has some kids so there will be homework to do or carpooling to happen.  She will wake up and do it all again tomorrow.

I think most people live this way.  The details are different but routine the same.  There is a stability to it, a comfort in it.  I don’t live that way.  Outside of my day job, there is little routine.  I don’t know what each day will bring.  I eat when I’m hungry.  I live where I live for now.  My boyfriend and I will just love each other for as long as we do.  It seems there is little stability in this way of living.  There are no guarantees, no expectations.  But there are also no false hopes or broken promises.  There is genuine intent and an honestly behind what’s done.  There’s also openness to change and adventure, growth and motion.  I like that.  Sometimes I wish I had that constant routine in my life, a committed path that allows for little if any variation, but know that it wouldn’t fit for long.  I would be restless.  I’d want to wander beyond the yard without regard to time or place or obligation.  That just seems to be who I am…or at least for now.

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